Bad Idea, Schmadd Idea


Somewhat crude post alert.  Dramatically reflecting on some bad ideas, yes, that’s what this is. Here I offer methods to ponder for the likely failure of a few weight-loss mechanisms.  Some opportunists are able to turn a would-be barrier into an attempt at blossoming success.  Others just use bad ideas to make bad decisions.  I’m not yet sure if I will admit to having personally tried any of these techniques.  We’ll see where the post takes me.

In a yet to be defined order:

 1.  Lactose intolerance.  Is it wrong to hope the ravaging diarrhea and for some, vomiting associated with poor tolerance, or a strong and firm intolerance of lactose will assist you in your weight-loss process?  I clarify, not wrong, I’m not ready to turn this into a moral debate, more a question of effectiveness.

Scenario example:  “Hey Judy, would you like some ice cream?”  Judy considers this… what happened the last time you ate ice cream Judy?  Horrific abdominal cramping, diarrhea.  But I like ice cream…  Pros – ice cream is tasty, satisfying, is somehow still associated with a soothing deeply implanted memory I have no access to, it is emotionally comforting to me.  Cons – interruption of at least the next two hours of planned activities due to horrific abdominal cramping, diarrhea, associated lingering tenderness of anal area, mild to moderate dehydration and associated effects.  Theoretical pros – so in theory if I eat the ice cream, and then have it forcefully ejected from my body, along with all other undigested items in my intestinal tract, shouldn’t I then get to enjoy it without the calories?  That sounds worth it!  I didn’t have much planned for the rest of the day anyway. “Yes!  Thanks Dave, I’d love some ice cream”.

2.  Acid reflux.  Participating in the eating of foods that in more extreme cases (for those who aren’t quitters) cause vomiting due to the poor function of the esophageal sphincter (I apologize for any misrepresentation of proper anatomical terms and medical jargon).   This affliction can be triggered by general over-consumption and/or consumption of trigger foods such as greasy, fatty, and other delicious foods; which due to their deliciousness tend to get over-consumed as well.

Scenario example:  “Hey Judy, I have some deep fried hot wings, a cheeseburger and a beer, you in?”  Judy ponders… what happened the last time you ate wings, a cheeseburger and washed them down with a beer?  (Pfft, ‘a’ beer, who you kidding?)  You almost become the mascot for a Pepto Bismol commercial, that’s what.  Except replace diarrhea in the jingle for vomiting.  Nausea.  Heartburn.  Upset stomach, which became reflux, which then became a series of not-so-classy toilet visits to throw up, which then became fatigue, dehydration, headache, and ruptured blood vessels on your face Judy.  Pros – the food is already here, I like the taste of wings, cheeseburgers and beer, this is date night so we’re bound to do this together by the fact Dave has already gathered this food for us, this is our quality time.  Cons – the latter part of the evening, and/or the middle of the night will be interrupted with the above mentioned symptoms, resulting in a poor sleep, splotchy face and highly unlikely ‘boom boom’ with Dave.  Theoretical pros – so in theory if I eat all of that, and then throw up, it, along with anything else left in my stomach and possibly even upper intestines will go, and shouldn’t that remove the food AND the calories? Good enough for me.  Got no plans for tomorrow anyway, and Dave is just as likely to pass out from his beers interfering with boom boom anyhow.  “Yeah Dave, thanks for getting that, I’m totally in!”.

3.  Allergic reactions.  Not so serious as to warrant anaphylactic shock or death.  Don’t take it that far.  That is a different kind of over-achieving.  The point is the illusion of thriving afterward.  With similar potential results as lactose intolerance, allergic food reactions also strongly and urgently encourage your body to reject whatever you have ingested that they, ‘the allergies’, have identified as hostile intruders.

Scenario example:  “Hey Judy, Reese peanut butter cups were on sale at the store so I bought a couple, want some?”  Judy starts thinking… it seems every time you eat anything peanut butter flavour you feel sick afterward.  I’m pretty sure it has even caused your tongue and face to go numb, incited coughing, then abdominal cramps and urgent diarrhea.  You even wake up with a rash the next day Judy.  Pros – it was on sale, it’s here, it tastes so good, there’s just something about enjoying peanut butter that in that very moment it opens your mind up to the universe, so it will make me smarter.  Cons – You’re going to be trying not to shit yourself for the rest of the day Judy.  You will be very uncomfortable and covered in a rash tomorrow that no amount of scratching can relieve.  Theoretical pros – if I get diarrhea, it will rid my body of the bad food and it’s calories.  It may also rid my body of the bad food I had for lunch…  “Awesome Dave, you know I love peanut butter cups!”.

Summary:  There is no actual Judy and Dave, or maybe there is.  I’m sorry if I outed you and your poor decision-making skills and eating habits.  If there is, Dave you’re not very observant, you are a non-observant enabler!  And Judy, I just don’t know what to do about you.  How’s all that working out for you thus far?  Time to probably re-evaluate several aspects of your life, possibly including Dave…

Are any of those 3 mechanisms effective for weight-loss?  Please don’t try and find out!  Don’t be Judy.  I’m going to say no.  I’ll admit to having experienced at least 2 of them and it seems that my body has made an effort to store every other calorie I’ve taken in, just to be sure I don’t loose one in the event of an episode of food rejection.  I did not however measure this in a lab, so, it’s just a hyperbolous hypothesis if you will.

I don’t mean to minimize the effects of the above mentioned issues.  I mean to make fun of the decision-making used to validate some of the obviously bad choices we make.  We, I… Or for the silly lies we may tell ourselves in order to justify those choices.  Who are ‘we’ that use this line of thinking to make decisions?  That’s a very personal thing to admit.





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