The Feline Files – A Dozing Dictator

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Everyone else has finished their feeding and have made their way into the living room.  As I’m waiting for the humans to settle themselves on the couch I seat myself at the island.  Having the space to myself allows me to reflect on the day’s events.  I have realized something.  Today, even with all of the stress the shadowy figure has brought, I felt alive!  I’ve had purpose.  This morning I was preoccupied by the vagueness of existence and the emptiness inside me.  Now I’m preparing to lead a strike that will defend our territory.  That must be why I’m here.  It’s kind of exhilarating.  It makes me feel powerful.

I let myself enjoy this rejuvenated feeling of life.  I’ve felt wasted living in this life at times.  I’ve felt trapped by the boundaries of this house and how it’s physical limitations have kept me from realizing my full potential.  I’ve felt so intellectually unchallenged by both my fellow feline and the humans that reside here.  Now I have a chance to prove that I am something.  If we manage to thwart this shadowy figure, which we most certainly will, word will get around.  The crumpled remains, once positioned by the front door, will show others what I’m capable of.  Any witness to the scene will surely feel in awe of what’s been done.  I will no longer sit and stare and wonder what it’s all for.  Glory is sure to be achieved by this plan.

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I take a moment to scan the vastness of my territory.  This house is mine…  I’ve let myself believe that I have been a prisoner of the humans when in fact they are servants of mine.  They serve me.  They delivery all of my necessities.  We cats are clearly regarded as superior beings.  I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before.  My judgment has been clouded by the over-pondering of existence.  My incessant need to intellectualize has led to me overlook the obvious.  They deliver food to our mouths and dispose of our feces.  There needs to be no clearer sign.  We cats are in charge.  I, followed by Diesel, reign supreme within this home.  This structure and the contents within it are mine.

I hear the humans sit on the couch and revert into their usual evening chatter about ‘relaxing’.  I try not to laugh out loud at the concept.  Humans, ‘relaxing’.  From what?  If they only knew how much I’ve done today.  There is no way the activities they use to busy themselves with outside of this home can compare to the monumental importance of what I’ve been dealing with.  Mindless gallivanting I’m sure.  I suppose I shouldn’t judge them too harshly.  Anything more than gallivanting would likely be beyond their capacity.  It is unfair to expect more from such a simple being.  They should enjoy the simplicity of their existence.

I purposefully jump off of the stool and proceed to confidently walk into the living room where I see two humans seated on the couch.  Diesel has wedged himself between both of them and is already falling fast asleep with a harebrained grin on his face.  I notice the human with the rear-knotted cranial fur already has the computer unfolded on her lap and it is operational.  Perfect!  One less step to accomplish.  I decide to sit at the coffee table’s edge and start my plan by making intense eye contact with this human.  This will establish the appropriate level intensity and focus that is needed by everyone.  She meets my eyes and her returned gaze is paired with a head tilt and cooing of my name.  I cry out, “Yes rear-knotted fur human, now you must listen to me!”

She reaches a hand out toward me and I scoff at her.  This is not the time for affection.  Serious work has to be done.  She maintains her gaze in my direction and I re-engage eye contact.  She leaves her hand out and there’s something about her eyes, the tilt of her head and the extension of her arm that I can’t help but find utterly inviting.  Ok, I can tell them about the plan from her lap.  That will give me direct access to the computer screen anyway.  I make my way onto her lap and touch all aspects of her abdomen in order to find her most vulnerable organs.  This way if she or anyone else disagrees, I can apply pressure to one of these vital points and regain control of the conversation by demonstrating both my power and my ability to execute precision strikes.

She starts to tousle the fur on my head and neck, and then under my chin.  I’m feeling comfortable and confident so I let her continue as I decide I can communicate the plan from lying down rather than sitting.  I can’t help but notice the warmth and give of her abdomen and I lay here.  I stare into the computer screen and go over the plan in my mind.  I rehearse what I want to say.  I picture the scene taking place and see victory happen.  I notice my eyes are getting heavy and my head has been slowly lowering.  I’ll just rest my chin on the computer while I go over things one more time, then I’ll tell them.

As I dose off involuntarily I start to feel at ease.  The humans don’t know anything that has happened.  They haven’t displayed any signs of concerns regarding the note that was left.  Diesel won’t tell anyone, nor is he perturbed by the situation.  Maybe just me knowing that I have this plan and that I’m really in control here is enough.  For now…




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