And from my garbage you can easily examine my eating habits.
When you want your cupcakes to be muffins. What does this mean exactly? I don’t even really know to be honest. But that’s what fell out of my head when I said just sit here and write something. It’s probably because I know there’s some homemade cupcakes in the fridge… and yes, I would like to go and eat one right now. But I’ve been bargaining and negotiating with myself to try and eliminate any guilt associated with doing such a thing. Negotiations commenced as follows: if you have a cupcake make sure you exercise. Exercise, yes, I’d like to but I have a migraine. I took some pills to try and counteract this, but it’s still on the fence whether or not those will work. Cupcake counterpoint: Then maybe the chocolate cupcake will help ease the migraine, did I mention they’re chocolate..? Chocolate can help, it can with me anyway. And so can coffee, so during my afternoon coffee time, I could have one. That’ll give my pills a chance to kick in and then I can maybe workout after that to dispel the guilt of caloric intake. I’ll be eased by the pills and energized by the caffeine.
Why is this such a big deal? I don’t know, probably because not only am I a girl, I was also raised sort of catholic. So I have body image issues and a deeply interwoven shame and guilt complex (I don’t mean to offend anyone here, this is just the result of my own experiences).
Recap: Right now not only have I come up with a therapeutic reason to eat a cupcake I also have an additional guilt-fighting counterpunch. I’m all set!
Then doubt responds. But what if the pills don’t work and you aren’t able to exercise? Hmmm? Then what? Back-off! that’s what (it was actually more of a colorful expletive, but I’m trying to keep it clean here).
Whoa, that was a strong and yet easily formulated response to that. I guess doubt won’t be winning today.
So let’s bring this ramble back to the beginning just for the sake of circumstantialism (no I don’t know if that is actually a word, but it should be) vs tangentiality. I mentioned muffins. Why? Because muffins, especially of the bran variety, give the illusion of healthy eating. So if the cupcakes in the fridge were muffins, bran muffins in particular, I would be encouraged to eat them. Dr’s and dieticians have formed a united front and agree to promote the colon-scraping power of bran. If the cupcakes were bran muffins, why not even say blueberry bran to fully explore their colon cleansing capabilities, their delicately photo-shopped picture would be on some food guide as a healthy breakfast option.
So what does it all mean this ridiculous rant of mine!?! Muffins and cupcakes and calories, oh my!
I guess the point of it all then would be that I want to not feel guilty. So I wanted to change what I have in order to make it more acceptable in the supposed eyes of others. Even if it meant removing the joy from it for me. These ‘others’ in authority positions that I have imagined as judgmental of my choices. And I want to eat. I also want to learn and grow as a person, but internal, metaphorical growth, not girth. A guilt-free person. A guilt-free person who has new found assertiveness skills and a healthy level of acceptance of self in order to overcome any shameful feelings one might have related to choosing specific food items that are eaten in sparse moderation. So, I’m going to take a stand. Stand right in front of that fridge and grab a cupcake!
Moral of the story: Never doubt yourself, when there’s an opportunity eat a cupcake (probably totally against all medical advice).