The Feline Files

Imagined story-telling from the point of view of my cats, or at least from one of them at the time this page was created.  I will be attempting to post these so they can be read in chronological order if that is possible…

Episode 1 – Harley’s Bad Day Brewing

“When did it get like this?”  I feel the coolness of the window on my toes as I run my paw slowly down, pausing just below my chin.  “How long do I have to live like this?  In this place?  With these people?  Always on the inside looking out?”  I run my paw down the window three more times just as slow, creating a faint sound of squeaking between my toes and the glass.  “I thought you loved it here?”  Diesel interrupted as he came sauntering in and sat himself on the heat vent just below the window’s edge to my left.  Diesel always carries himself with an annoying yet affectionate nonchalance.  He begins to wash his face, adding his optimistic opinions I didn’t ask for between the licks of his paw.  “I love it here.  I mean, sometimes I think I want a break, eat some grass, wander around the outside of the house and sniff the bushes, but they give us everything we need.”  Or everything you need simpleton.  I have to keep myself from saying this out loud.

Diesel never gives the impression of struggling with self-actualization.  His needs are always basic:  meals, litter box, cuddles, occasional hunting exercises with his training mouse.  Happy to be carried around like a human toddler.  He is even willing to engage in ‘conversation’ with these people at their own level, trying to mimic their ridiculous sounds.  Diesel proceeds to sit flatly on the floor and extends a rear leg vertically into the air, positioning himself for a more personal bath.  “I wish you wouldn’t do that here!”  I say sharply as I start to walk away from the window and make my way into the kitchen, “it embarrasses us both.”  “At least you know mine’s clean” Diesel casually throws back as he continues his bathing, unaffected by my chidings.

I don’t know what’s got me in such a detestable mood this morning.  I walk over to Diesel’s empty bowl and start licking in hopes for remnants of his breakfast.  Something’s off and I haven’t figured it out yet.  That frustrates me, not being in control, of the situation or my emotions.  Six, seven, eight, I continue to lick his bowl as I think to myself.  “Why do I let this stuff get to me?”  The truth is I haven’t even realized just what this ‘stuff’ is that has gotten me so agitated today.  The air is different, something subtle.  “Who keeps tickling me?”.  I look and there’s no one there.  I fix the fur on my back as furiously as I can before anyone sees and return to the bowl only to realize I’ve lost count.  Way to go Harley.  Now I’m even chastising myself, this is going to be quite the day.


Episode 2 – A Shadowy Visitor


“I knew something was off”.  I said it out loud without even realizing.  The doorbell rang again.  My day’s schedule and therefore my entire life has been interrupted.  Before I could gain control over myself I look every which way possible as fast as I can.  I try to fight off the internal sense of panic I’m feeling and decide to run downstairs to the door.  Right to the source.  They don’t know I’m here, whoever ‘they’ are.  Despite my best efforts not to, I look for Diesel, support in numbers.  Where is he?  I consider calling out to him before I see the shadow hover over the frosted window on the door.

I see what looks like a hand affix something to the window before the shadow fades away.  Next I hear what sounds like a door shut to one of those motorized human vehicles.  A moment passes before an engine starts up, and then I run upstairs to the window to see a large truck drive away.  That was close.  There’s that tickle again and I need to settle this fur down.  I’m licking as furiously as I possibly can and I still can’t get the fur on my back exactly how I need it, flat and in the same orientation.  I twitch and jump.  This is infuriating.  Where the hell is Diesel?

“Diesel?”  I call out.  I can’t help it, I have to know where he is now.  “Diesel?…”  Still nothing.  Maybe the shadowy assailant cat-napped him and left a ransom note.  No, that’s just not logical.  He was just in the dining room having a bath before the doorbell rang.  And why would they ring the doorbell if they were able to get in and take him?  Now I’m losing it.  Considering such erroneous conclusions.  I never do well with stress.  Pull yourself together Harley.  I would obviously have more worth as a target if they wanted ransom.  I hear rustling in the bathroom and decide to make my way down the hall.

“Diesel is that you?”  I say softly as I peek my head around the bathroom door.  “Yeah…”  He replies, showing his senior age as he climbs over the ledge of the bathtub from behind the shower curtain.  Buffoon.  He sought refuge in the bathtub.  “What do you think that was about?”  I appreciate that he assumes I would have the answer, but still can’t help but feel annoyed anytime he talks to me.  “I’m not sure, but they left something on the outside of the door.  We’ll have to wait until the humans return to find out since we have no access to the outside.”

This actually brings me a sense of relief that I won’t admit.  The humans may not have my intellect, but they outsize me.  With their brute stature and my cunning we could easily defend this territory against that shadowy figure.  I’ll have to devise some way to instruct them.


Episode 3 – A Diagram for Death


He’s doing it again.  Yelling into the hallway downstairs.  I don’t know why Diesel feels the need to yell at everything.  I do my best to focus on the birds I’ve been watching outside on the lawn through the living room window.  I wish he would keep quiet so I can just focus.  I need to come up with some way to convey a message to the humans about the visitor that came to the door.  I need to coordinate some kind of attack and defend strategy.  Would they even understand?  I may have to lower myself to try and speak their language.  They appear to communicate with each other freely.  Diesel’s yowling in the basement is irritating me.  There’s no point, they’re imbeciles, all of them, especially him.

The yelling stops.  Diesel saunters up the stairs and makes his way into the living room.  “The acoustics down there make me feel like a lion” he says proudly as he perches himself on the back of the settee to my left and looks out the window at the birds as well.  I have to tell myself over and over not to bother to chastise him.  Don’t engage.  “Do you think you could catch one?” he asks motioning with his head towards the birds outside.  I’m trying my best to ignore him.  I’m not in the mood for his happy-go-lucky antics.  “The birds, do you think you could catch one if you ran after it?”.  He’s looking right at me now.  “Yes.  Not a problem.”  For me anyway.  I feel forced into a response, and to justify it to him for some unknown reason. “I’d easily outsmart them!”  I continue on almost against my will.  “They don’t know how fast I am or how high I can jump.  They wouldn’t know what hit them.”  What unknown force compels me to talk to him?  “I bet you would too, I’ve seen you jump” he flatters me before heading off towards a throw pillow placed on the sectional.

Diesel starts to knead the pillow as he makes himself comfortable, preparing for his afternoon nap session.  He stops kneading and looks directly into my eyes, “I bet you’d catch all of them”.  He says it slowly and with eyes the size of saucers.  For a split second I feel a sense of pride well up inside me.  Blast!  How does he do that?  Despite all of my efforts I’m not immune to his encouraging tone and puss-in-boots eyes.  That’s what keeps him around here, I’m sure of it.  He’s charming.  I can’t help admitting it, but just to myself.

Enough with the distractions.  With Diesel settling himself to sleep I’ll have at least a few hours to formulate a plan.  Both of action and communication.  What strengths and tactics do I have available to me in order to make the humans appreciate the seriousness of the situation?  Cunning, obvious intellect, agility, stealth and explosive power.  I do have quite the impressive arsenal at my disposal.  It’s disappointing the humans don’t have the same features.  They are big however, and so was that shadowy figure.  If nothing else, I can use them as a blockade while I pounce in and disable the figure with a precise strike.  I see a diagram of the plan forming in my mind.

That’s it!  I’ll draft a visual plan of the attack.  The humans should be able to interpret the pictures if I bring it down to a basic show and tell demonstration level.  The excitement makes me itchy.  Quick scratch under the jaw should take care of that.  Well, maybe two.  What now?  That twitch again.  Now my back is all wrong.  Everything is uneven.  This will take some time.

As I continue to flatten and align all of the fur on my entire body I start to feel drowsy.  Sleep starts to set in.  As I drift I don’t lose track of my focus.  I can still see it in my mind, my draft of shadowy death.


Episode 4 – A Drawing of Destruction

I’ve been out of sorts since I woke. The pressure of getting this message relayed is affecting to me.  I’ve been trying to work on a visual for my plan.  Trying to create a diagram to communicate to the humans.  This task has been somewhat difficult.  Human design tools weren’t manufactured for feline paws.  Most require opposable thumbs to grasp the implements.  I do however remember seeing one of the humans using their finger on the screen portion of their folding computing device.  I wonder if it will respond to me?

After a quick scan of the room I locate the device on the sectional.  Next the task of having it unfold to create access to the screen.  I know that’s where the information is viewed.  One of the humans has demonstrated it’s ability to display birds and small rodents to me before.  I have to admit, I did find this function fascinating.  I manage to lift the top portion and gain access to the screen, it lights up almost immediately.  I use my paw to press on the screen in an attempt to gain access.  I know this is what the human does with her finger.  A moment or two and thanks to my cunning, I’m in.

After touching several icons I find the one that allows me to create my drawing.  I do my best to illustrate the plan in my mind’s eye.  I have to admit that it is difficult to portray the plan’s execution exactly, but I think I’ve managed to do a reasonably well job.  I mean, this is for the humans, not any beings of superior intellect.  The simpler I keep the diagram the better it will work for my purpose.


In order to maintain the simplicity of the explanation I have decided I will attempt to describe this plan in 3 steps for the benefit of both the humans and Diesel.  Therefore I will require 3 individual diagrams to be able to demonstrate each step clearly.  Luckily for the humans I have acquired the ability to read their language and due to my nimble and coordinated paws I have even included some basic labelling to assist them in their interpretation, in the interest of saving time and to help with orientation.

Step 1:  Notice the return of the shadowy figure and alert the humans.

25 04 2017 10 30 AM Office Lens 1

Upon the return of the shadowy figure both Diesel and I will become rapidly alert and place ourselves at the top of the stairs like sentries.  This will both establish our dominance and assert our intention to defend our territory.  At this time we will create a coordinated vocalization to sound an alarm to the humans.  The humans will most likely be present in the kitchen area if they are home and therefore will easily be informed.

Step 2:  The humans respond to our alert and lead the procession towards the door.

25 04 2017 10 30 AM Office Lens

After hearing our coordinated alarm the humans will present themselves at our position.  At such time they will have clearly understood the shadowy figure is present at the door.  They are then to make their way down the stairs and create a blockade with their large bodies at the site of the door.  Diesel and I will follow positioning ourselves for the attack.  This will demonstrate to the shadowy figure that the humans are willing to defend their territory.  This will also provide a visual screen to block Diesel and I so our attack can be unseen, securing our element of surprise.

Step 3:  Commence of the attack.

25 04 2017 10 31 AM Office Lens

Diesel will run through the legs of the humans and head for the left Achilles tendon of the figure.  While the figure is distracted and protecting this vital part of his anatomy, I will spring forth aiming straight for his jugular.  This will create an efficient and well executed attack.  The figure will be both unable to run and deprived of blood and oxygen.  At this time the humans will be able to assist if needed to move the figure up against the doorway.  Leaving a message for any other shadowy figures that may consider to enter our home.

My plan feels perfect.  Feeling rather proud of myself I decide to take another nap to conserve my energy.  In a few more hours the humans will return home and I will have to take them through the diagrams with Diesel.  It’s all coming together now.  As I start my pre-nap bathing I watch Diesel slumber.  I’m counting on him.  I am relying on him fulfilling an important and almost equivalent role of my own.  Could this be a flaw in my preparation?

The thought of this makes me twitch.  The steps are simple.  This shouldn’t be too much to ask.  My back starts to crawl.  Doubt creeps in.  In an effort to symbolically manage the doubt I start re-aligning the fur on my back.  If I can get this straight, I can get the plan to work.  Or can I..?



Episode 5 – A Muddled Message

What a day this has been.  I wake from my nap hearing the human’s vehicle coming up the road.  This is it, my chance to explain what has happened and show them my plan to defend our territory.  I hear the engine turn off and voices muttering as the vehicle doors open and close.  I notice Diesel has also started to wake and is having a stretch on the floor, making his way down to greet them as usual with no outward appearance of urgency.

I must gather myself and focus in order to achieve my goal.  I jump down from the chair a little too fast and it startles me.  Take a breath Harley.  Relax.  I quickly try to tidy my fur to look as presentable as possible.  This will help them to take me seriously.  Diesel is already standing by the door when I hear the key turn the lock and the door swing open.  Okay, this is it, they’re home.  Time to spring into action Harley.  I start telling them about the shadowy visitor as I’m making my way down the stairs.  I explain that it left something on the door, I tell them I’ve made a plan to defend this house, I tell them the plan is foolproof, I notice they’re not reacting… and one of the humans has something different in her hands.  It’s a piece of paper, it must be the message the shadowy figure left.  Perhaps it’s a warning.

I repeat myself, this time with an enhanced tone of urgency.  Still nothing.  Back rubs, cooing sounds, that’s the only reaction from the humans.  Diesel rubs his body against their legs and receives their offerings of scratches with purrs.  I’m getting frustrated.  I know they aren’t able to understand each word I say, but the tone, why isn’t it working?  Can’t they pick up on the urgency?  I must get their attention and direct them to the drawings I’ve made on their computer.  These idiots, Diesel included, how to get them to focus?

I race everyone up the stairs and start pacing in the kitchen.  Even though I know they don’t understand my words I can’t help but repeat myself over and over.  Diesel makes his way into the kitchen after a casual yet happy jaunt up the stairs.  I impulsively yell out at him.  “You idiot!  Help me tell them what happened!”.  “Give them a minute”, he says this so nonchalantly it infuriates me.  I bite his haunches.  “Ow, you ass!” he spits back at me and does a lap around the kitchen into the dining room before re-entering the kitchen.

I make out my name being said from the human.  I also pick up on the tone she uses in my direction.  They’re not getting it.  They seem to clearly understand the concept of using tone, but are oblivious to receiving it.  This may be harder than I thought.  I will have to change my tactics.  I need another way to get them to the computer.  The humans chatter amongst themselves and place their belongings on the counter.  I notice what has to be the note from the shadowy visitor among their things.  I need to get up there and see it.  I need to know what it means, what the shadowy visitor’s intentions are.  What if it is bringing reinforcements?  I didn’t factor that into my plan.

My mind is racing now with all the what-if’s I didn’t consider.  I may have let my arrogance underestimate the prowess of this visitor.  I may have made the mistake in assuming there is only one.  This may not be resolved as easily as I’d hoped.  Maybe the note states when the visitor will return, and whether or not it will be alone.  The internal panic moves through me like lightning.  My skin suddenly rejects all of the fur on my back.  I can’t stand the feel of it.  I have to settle it down.  I twitch and walk a few steps in a slightly uncoordinated manner before sitting down and start licking my back furiously.  I take a deep breath and try to act casual but have to sit down again and deal with my back from the other side.

That’s when I notice the human open the cupboard door where my food is stored.  I realize I’m starving.  The stress of the day has had me so distracted I’ve forgotten it’s been hours since I’ve had anything to eat.  The severity of this hits me all at once.  I cry out in utter agony.  Wailing now I pace back and forth as I see them ready my meal.  They don’t seem to appreciate my intricate dance of painful appreciation as they almost kick and trip over me on their way to my dish.  I hear my name and that tone again.

As I consume my food at record speed I consider that my unrecognized hunger is likely what has been interfering with the success of my progress.  I reassure myself that after I’m nourished I will be better able to carry out this plan.  My body and mind will be able to work in a more congruous fashion.  The humans will also have had time to settle themselves and can be more attentive to my communication.  Once they have fed themselves they will likely be seated on the couch.  The computer is still there.  Diesel will want to take advantage of any scratches and cuddles they are willing to provide.  This will place him on the couch as well.  I will join them there at precisely this time.  This is when I will show them the drawings.  This is when they will begin to understand my plan.  I still have my doubts about Diesel, but he will want to please the humans.  If they get the message he will cooperate.

I feel my confidence return.  We will defend our home.  I will lead the strike.  They will recognize and appreciate my leadership and guidance once this is complete.  I start to feel drowsy.  I decide I have time to nap while the humans prepare for their feeding.  I will need my energy anyway.  I will have to be sharp and patient to go through the drawings.  I decide the best place for this nap is on top of the cupboards.  My position above everyone else is symbolic of my role in this plan.  And while I’m up here I can keep an eye on that note…




Episode 6 – A Dozing Dictator

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Everyone else has finished their feeding and have made their way into the living room.  As I’m waiting for the humans to settle themselves on the couch I seat myself at the island.  Having the space to myself allows me to reflect on the day’s events.  I have realized something.  Today, even with all of the stress the shadowy figure has brought, I felt alive!  I’ve had purpose.  This morning I was preoccupied by the vagueness of existence and the emptiness inside me.  Now I’m preparing to lead a strike that will defend our territory.  That must be why I’m here.  It’s kind of exhilarating.  It makes me feel powerful.

I let myself enjoy this rejuvenated feeling of life.  I’ve felt wasted living in this life at times.  I’ve felt trapped by the boundaries of this house and how it’s physical limitations have kept me from realizing my full potential.  I’ve felt so intellectually unchallenged by both my fellow feline and the humans that reside here.  Now I have a chance to prove that I am something.  If we manage to thwart this shadowy figure, which we most certainly will, word will get around.  The crumpled remains, once positioned by the front door, will show others what I’m capable of.  Any witness to the scene will surely feel in awe of what’s been done.  I will no longer sit and stare and wonder what it’s all for.  Glory is sure to be achieved by this plan.

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I take a moment to scan the vastness of my territory.  This house is mine…  I’ve let myself believe that I have been a prisoner of the humans when in fact they are servants of mine.  They serve me.  They delivery all of my necessities.  We cats are clearly regarded as superior beings.  I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before.  My judgment has been clouded by the over-pondering of existence.  My incessant need to intellectualize has led to me overlook the obvious.  They deliver food to our mouths and dispose of our feces.  There needs to be no clearer sign.  We cats are in charge.  I, followed by Diesel, reign supreme within this home.  This structure and the contents within it are mine.

I hear the humans sit on the couch and revert into their usual evening chatter about ‘relaxing’.  I try not to laugh out loud at the concept.  Humans, ‘relaxing’.  From what?  If they only knew how much I’ve done today.  There is no way the activities they use to busy themselves with outside of this home can compare to the monumental importance of what I’ve been dealing with.  Mindless gallivanting I’m sure.  I suppose I shouldn’t judge them too harshly.  Anything more than gallivanting would likely be beyond their capacity.  It is unfair to expect more from such a simple being.  They should enjoy the simplicity of their existence.

I purposefully jump off of the stool and proceed to confidently walk into the living room where I see two humans seated on the couch.  Diesel has wedged himself between both of them and is already falling fast asleep with a harebrained grin on his face.  I notice the human with the rear-knotted cranial fur already has the computer unfolded on her lap and it is operational.  Perfect!  One less step to accomplish.  I decide to sit at the coffee table’s edge and start my plan by making intense eye contact with this human.  This will establish the appropriate level intensity and focus that is needed by everyone.  She meets my eyes and her returned gaze is paired with a head tilt and cooing of my name.  I cry out, “Yes rear-knotted fur human, now you must listen to me!”

She reaches a hand out toward me and I scoff at her.  This is not the time for affection.  Serious work has to be done.  She maintains her gaze in my direction and I re-engage eye contact.  She leaves her hand out and there’s something about her eyes, the tilt of her head and the extension of her arm that I can’t help but find utterly inviting.  Ok, I can tell them about the plan from her lap.  That will give me direct access to the computer screen anyway.  I make my way onto her lap and touch all aspects of her abdomen in order to find her most vulnerable organs.  This way if she or anyone else disagrees, I can apply pressure to one of these vital points and regain control of the conversation by demonstrating both my power and my ability to execute precision strikes.

She starts to tousle the fur on my head and neck, and then under my chin…  I’m feeling comfortable and confident so I let her continue as I decide I can communicate the plan from lying down rather than sitting.  I can’t help but notice the warmth and give of her abdomen and I lay here.  I stare into the computer screen and go over the plan in my mind.  I rehearse what I want to say.  I picture the scene taking place and see victory happen.  I notice my eyes are getting heavy and my head has been slowly lowering.  I’ll just rest my chin on the computer while I go over things one more time, then I’ll tell them.  

As I dose off involuntarily I start to feel at ease.  The humans don’t know anything that has happened.  They haven’t displayed any signs of concerns regarding the note that was left.  Diesel won’t tell anyone, nor is he perturbed by the situation.  Maybe just me knowing that I have this plan and that I’m really in control here is enough.  For now…



Episode 7 – A Bout of Boxing

In this episode of the feline files we watch the cats in a rare moment of brotherly bonding.

FFs 7.1

Harley – “Diesel I want you to get off this box this instant!”

FFs 7.2

Diesel – “Newp.  I’m afraid I can’t do that bro.”
Harley – “Probably because of your excessive corpulence!”
Diesel – “Definitely not going to get my fat self off of it now.”
Harley – “Fine, I’m activating my laser power!”

FFs 7.3

Harley – “It’s activating, I’m almost fully charged!  I’m warning you!”
Diesel – “We both know you’re not going to use that in here.  I’m still not getting up.”

FFs 7.4

Harley – “Whatever…  Just, get off me.  These games you play are immature.  You’re crushing me.”

FFs 7.5

Diesel – “Sure, what’s the magic word?”
Harley – “I’m not doing this simpleton.”

FFs 7.6

Diesel – “Fine, smell this.”

FFs 7.7

Harley – “That’s disgusting!  I don’t want to know where that was.  That’s enough get off me!”
Diesel – *laughing*

FFs 7.8

Harley – “Look Diesel, I’m serious.  You’re crushing me.”
Diesel – “Magic word?”
Harley – “Fine, can you please remove yourself from this box so I can resume breathing?”

FFs 7.9

Diesel – “I’m not sure I believed that.  Ask again.  Nicer.  You’re not very good at hiding the rage in your eyes.”

FFs 7.10

Harley – “Diesel, would it be possible for you to please get off the box so I can get out and breathe properly?”
Diesel – “Kiss my foot.”
Harley – “That’s disgusting.  It smells.”
Diesel – “Kiss it and I’ll get off.  I’m not moving until you do it.”

FFs 7.11

Harley – “Speak of this to no one…”
Diesel – *snickering*

FFs 7.12

Diesel – “You’re kinda pretty from up here…”
Harley – “Oh, my, Goddddd, will you let me out now!?!”

FFs 7.13

Diesel – “Sure buddy.  No need for laser eyes.”

FFs 7.14

Harley – “I could vaporize you!”

FFs 7.15

Harley – “UNNGGGHHHH!!!  You frustrate me to no end!”


FFs 7.16

Harley – It’s kind of lonely here now though…



Episode 8 – Staging of a Serpent

There has been a new development in the house today.  One of the humans brought home a box containing some kind of item she deemed important.  Silly creatures they are, amused by such simple things.  Once the item was removed from it’s packaging and the cooing over it commenced, the box was left unattended, available for my exploration.  I’m not usually pleased by change, but this is something I can take advantage of.  Boxes often provide an opportunity for perches or hunting shelters.  I decided I would like to enjoy this by a window where I can use it as a perch to improve my view.  Having myself displayed on the box in this way will serve as a symbol of my dominance for outsiders to regale at.

Thanks to my exceptional spatial awareness and coordination I was able to position the box with ease by the side door.  Perfect.  I chose my vantage point carefully and am pleased with my decision.  This is good, but it still needs something else to be sufficient.  I need to enhance the image of intimidation.  I have just the thing, my training snake!  I will have it beside me as I sit.  It can only add to the awe of my presence here.  When others see it’s lifeless body near me it can only enhance their sense of fear and respect for me.

I leave the box where it was positioned and make my way to the basement where I had left the snake.  It was carefully placed in front of one of the younger humans bedroom door as a warning.  I will return the warning after I’m finished displaying myself for the outsiders at the door upstairs.  Or perhaps I’ll place it on the stairs…  I’ll decide later.

I advance back up the stairs with a bounce in my step and make my way into the kitchen to return to my perch while proudly carrying the snake in my mouth.  “This box is awesome!”  Diesel appears to have materialized out of thin air while I was gone and has made himself comfortable on the box that I had claimed as my own.  No matter, I will simply tell him to move.  I drop the snake on the floor and yell out at him, “Diesel, that box is mine.  I’ll ask you to remove your sloth-like self from it this instant.”  “No can do buddy.”  He says this so unaffectedly I can feel my heartrate increase.  “Yes you most certainly will!  I have carefully placed that there and made plans to use it along with my snake.  Now remove yourself.”

He does nothing.  He just sits there staring at me.  Moments pass before he says anything.  “Nope.  I like it here, you left, you snooze you lose.”  He proceeds to bathe his face in what I perceive as excruciatingly slow-motion movements.  I can feel something similar to rage rising inside me.  I am more annoyed that I let him get to me like this so easily than what he is actually doing.  No, I am the superior being here, I will not lose my composure, and I will not give up my perfectly placed perch.  

I take a breath and try my best to appear nonchalant.  I move closer to the box and sit down.  I say nothing.  I don’t make eye contact.  He continues bathing after only a brief pause to scan my movements.  I give myself to the count of five and then quickly spring onto the box.  Surely this will annoy him and cause him to leave.  Ha!  

He does nothing, barely even reacts at first.  He doesn’t leave, he just stops bathing.  “I’m not leaving.”  Stubborn ass.  “Well neither am I” I quickly shoot back at him.  I feel the need to justify myself now because of his unsatisfying reaction, “I put this box here specifically because I wanted to use it, and I won’t let you ruin it.”  “Fine”, he just sits there, so I do the same.


Minutes pass…


“So what was your plan for the snake?” he casually asks me after a long awkward silence.


“None of your business” I reply sharply.  I feel defeated but don’t want to show it.  You may have won this round Diesel, but I will not give up so easily.  I’ll have to keep a close eye on the box.  I’ll wait for a better opportunity, when he’s distracted elsewhere, then I will position myself and the snake perfectly to finish carrying out my plan, the outsiders must be warned to keep them at bay…



Episode 9 – Spies or Sedatives

There is an air of sadness, a heaviness in the house today.  Almost like the air itself is too thick to breathe.  It feels sedating.  I can’t help but sense it.  I find myself just wanting to sleep for the sake of sleeping instead of sticking to my usual schedule, which has been carefully planned in order to maintain my optimum efficiency during waking hours.  I’m not sure what has brought this on, perhaps it’s just the weather.  It has been raining steadily since late last evening.  I have to admit I’ve had to keep in check with myself in order not to succumb to this morose feeling.

Maybe I need to move around some more.  I’ve spent most of the morning holding my position on the window’s ledge downstairs watching the birds feeding in the rain.  I’ve been making sure they know I’m here, despite the rain.  I can move upstairs and watch them from there, they will still be able to see me from the window above.  As I start to make my way up the stairs I realize I haven’t seen Diesel since we ate breakfast this morning.  Odd.  He usually follows me around bothering me with his incessant conversation about nothing of significance.  Not that I miss his company, it has surely been a break to not have him around me, it just that it is out of the ordinary.  And that doesn’t usually lead to anything good.  I find solace in routine.

Once at the top of the stairs I give the area a quick scan, nothing.  Hmmm, interesting.  I check the couch and chair in the living room, still nothing.  Under the dining room table or on the chairs, nothing.  Feeling perplexed I continue on into the kitchen.  That’s where I see him.


“Diesel!”, I reflexively shout out after finding him in such a peculiar position.  No response, I shout at him again, this time  standing closer.  “What?”, he says groggily and softly.  “What the devil are you doing?” I snap out at him.  “Having a nap, what does it look like?  And it was a good one too until you woke me up.  Do you need me for something?  What do you want?”.  There’s no anger in his response, which infuriates me further.  “A nap yes, but why are you under the cupboard?”.  “There’s no one home and I felt like I needed a cuddle, if I squish myself in it’s almost like it’s hugging me.”  I can’t believe the things he says sometimes, idiot.

I don’t even bother to continue the conversation and just walk out of the kitchen feeling exasperated.  If that one bizarre encounter has told me anything, it’s that this heaviness in the air seems to even be affecting Diesel.  Laying about in despair like that, has he no pride?  It brings shame to us both.  

Unable to relax I can feel my mind start to race.  I consider that perhaps there’s something more to this feeling of heaviness.  Then the idea hits me suddenly, at the same time my back starts to twitch.  I wonder if it’s possible that somehow the house has been infiltrated and we are being chemically sedated in a plot to take over my territory?  But how could this be possible?  I’ve been my usual astute and diligent self prior to today.  I would have known if someone or something had made alterations to the house from the outside.  Unless, it could be possible, that one of the humans has brought something home on their clothing.  Silly creatures for wearing clothing in the first place.  But due to their inferior design they require it for warmth and protection.  No, that’s preposterous.  I would have been able to sense something on them when they arrived home yesterday.  My senses are keen and my intuition is unparalleled.

I can’t shake the feeling of physical discomfort now that my mind has started racing.  I decide that I have to check all of the possible entry points of the house to make sure.  That’s the only way that I will be able to settle.  I start making my way around the house checking all of the windows and doors.  Finding nothing out of the ordinary my confidence starts to return, and with that comes relaxation.

I start to deal with the fur on my back when it hits me, the ventsUnlikely but still possible.  My back starts to get twitchy and I’m feeling stressed all over again.  I haven’t found any actual evidence of infiltration.  Chemical sedation through the venting just isn’t that likely Harley, get a hold of yourself.  Use your superior logic here, it must be the weather.  That’s the only acceptable option.  There is no way I would have missed anything else.  

All of this extra work under the conditions of the weather has only caused further disruption to my routine.  It has also left me feeling exhausted.  I will need some sleep in order to conserve my strength and preserve my intellect.  I will have a nap and then repeat my inspections later.

Just when I decide to get myself settled the front door to the house opens and the humans enter.  I’ve been so distracted that I have completely lost track of time and didn’t here their vehicle approach or enter the driveway.  I don’t bother trying to tell them what has been going on.  I know that’s useless.  Instead I directly proceed to thoroughly inspect all parts of them for traces of chemicals.  I make sure to sniff their clothing, hands, face, nostrils, eyes and ears.  After finding nothing I allow them to feed me supper and get themselves settled.

This potential attack has made me further recognize just how vulnerable the humans really are when they’re not in my presence.  I decide that after my scheduled physical training it would be best if I nap in their bedroom, this way I can stay close to them and provide protection overnight.  This isn’t customary to my usual routine, or theirs.  In order to convince the humans that it is the best idea but without causing alarm, I’ll have to play into their games.  A flash of dilated pupils and a slightly wanton stare should do it.


Now they will be protected under my watchful gaze.  Sleep well my humans, sleep well.



Episode 10 – Cupboard of Solitude

Today I find myself wanting to be alone, to be sheltered.  I seek privacy and solitude.  It seems that Diesel would like the exact opposite and has been following me around the house as I try to find a suitable meditation area to refocus.  Thus far I have tried to lay down in the following areas: the sectional, the pillow on the settee under the window, the sunbeams on the floor in the dining room, under the dining room table, on a stool in the kitchen and in the bathroom on the towel I carefully placed on the floor below the rail it was hanging on.  All attempts being matched with Diesel’s unwanted presence once I started to settle.  I was unable to try any locations downstairs due to the humans leaving the door closed, resulting in my blocked access and growing frustration.

Diesel’s codependent behavior has forced me to be creative.  I am seeking absolute silence in order to properly enter a trance-like state that will allow for the amount of transcendence I need.  I have decided this morning that my life focus will be on becoming the higher-level being that only I am capable of.  In order to achieve this I will need to intensely meditate on a frequent basis.  And in order to meditate properly I will need quiet and privacy.

I need to find somewhere that I can separate myself from Diesel and his incessant cuddling and mouth breathing.  I’m certain he has a sinus condition.  The snoring, drooling and bubble-blowing disgusts me.  If only he would take the time to focus on himself to heal these ailments.  Transcendence is obviously something he’s not capable of.

Enough mental energy wasted on him.  I need to concentrate on a location that will facilitate my meditation needs.  I decide to take a stroll around the upstairs to see what I can come up with.  Starting at the end of the hallway I check every nook and cranny.  The bedroom doors are firmly shut, I check each of them by pushing with my paw to make sure.  The bathroom is open but Diesel likes to spend time in there, out of the question.  The small closet is firmly closed as well.  Hmmm.  No more doors to try, or is there?  Aha!  The kitchen cupboards.  It would have to be somewhere that Diesel wouldn’t have access to. If he were to see me go in he would surely follow.

I haven’t been in the cupboards before I’ll admit.  I’ve tried to open the door where my food is stored, but alas, lacking thumbs I was unable to manipulate it successfully.  I’ll try something different today.  If it is a goal of mine to achieve becoming a higher-level being, accomplishing this task will demonstrate surely my worthiness.  Only a creature of superior intelligence would be able to open the cupboards without thumbs.

I make my way into the kitchen and scan the cupboards.  I am keenly looking for any details that I could use.  Then I notice it.  The cupboard door in the corner is slightly ajar.  This was meant to be.  One of the humans must have failed to shut it entirely in their morning haste.  I nimbly jump onto the counter and feel excited as I take a closer look.  Yes, it is slightly open.  I easily use a paw to push it open further.  This will do perfectly.  There is even a space on the lower shelf where I can sit without rearranging any objects that are inside.  I place myself in the cupboard and feel proud as I look out into the kitchen.


This will do wonderfully.  Except, in the heat of my enthusiasm I used too much force when opening the door.  I have access but no privacy.  Maybe it will be enough.  Hopefully Diesel doesn’t come into the kitchen and notice me sitting here.  If so he will surely feel compelled to join me.  I can’t worry about that right now.  I have to take advantage of this opportunity and begin my meditation practice.

I keep myself seated in a tall and proud position and close my eyes.  I clear my thoughts and slow my breathing.  As I slowly take deep breaths in and out I become very aware of my surroundings on a totally different level.  My breathing continues like this and I let myself be fully present.  I am noticing sounds and smells that I was previously unaware of.  I hear the sounds of birds and cars outside, the buzzing of electronics and appliances in the house, and Diesel breathing off in the distance.  I begin to take in the smells of, something, something I’m not quite familiar with.  What is that?  It smells like, like, snacks…


Even a transcendent being requires nourishment.



Episode 11 – An Egg-Citing Meal

The humans are at home today.  I can’t help but feel interested in what they are doing in spite of myself.  Entertainment seeking I suppose.  They don’t seem to appreciate my presence in all circumstances however.  I have heard my name along with “get down”, “get off there”, “don’t eat that”, and “no” spoken at me in a moderate to severe tone many times today.  Their words mean nothing to me and I feel no intimidation from their harshly delivered manner.

I have taken a particularly keen interest in how they prepare their food today.  We cats, I reluctantly include myself in the same category as Diesel, are served by the humans a diet of carefully balanced foodstuffs that have been engineered in order to maintain our optimal physiological efficiency.  This can be demonstrated by my peek physical and intellectual performance.  Diesel has a lesser capacity to demonstrate these highly attuned qualities, but as a cat nonetheless, he is still physiologically superior to the humans.  The humans physical appearance and performance do not seem to embody the ideal of their species, at least I hope not.  Their food however, does frequently have a delicious and appetite stimulating aroma.

During their immense availability in the home today they have been preparing several dishes of their foods.  Each one has been different with it’s own unique aroma and appearance, all of which have stimulated my appetite I must admit.  Because of this I have decided I will carefully observe them cooking and learn how to prepare my own freshly engineered food when they are not at home.


After some lengthy observation I have noted that most of these dishes are quite labour-intensive requiring frequent use of thumbs, manipulation of tools, and carrying of large or heavy objects.  Although I would undoubtedly be able to manage these complex and well-coordinated tasks, it does not seem like an efficient use of my time.  I have therefore decided that it is more efficient to allow the humans to prepare these meals themselves and then encourage them to feed me portions as they are prepared.





Alas, my efforts have mostly been met with “get down”, “don’t touch that”, “get off the counter”, “who said you could have that”, and “Harley no!”.  I am largely under-appreciated.  The humans are clearly in an agitated state today. Due to their inferior intelligence and evident mood control issues it would be unproductive of me to attempt to reason with them at this time.  I decide it is best to just sit quietly and wait until they aren’t looking.  This way I can choose my own sample to take from the prepared rations and enjoy it in peace.  Relax simple humans, just relax.


Episode 12 – Deliberations of Diesel


Sometimes life can seem overwhelming.  It can fee like you’re caught in an oppressive trap with no sign of escape.  The weight of the world comes crushing down on you, making it hard to breathe.  You realize all of the things you wish you were, all of the things you wish you did.  All the what-if’s and other possibilities your life could’ve been dance through your head.  If only I made different decisions, took more chances, listened to my intuition more…

My life is full of missed opportunities and hints of all that I could have been.  I spent most of my life just sticking to what was comfortable, what came easy.  I never wanted to take risks or rock the boat fearing that I would only upset others in the process.  I let myself become a housecat, even though I know my calling is to be outside, wild and free.  I could have excelled as a mouser, a hunter-elite.

Instead I let myself be kept indoors, cuddled and coddled by people.  A slave to their offerings and adorations.  What kind of life is this?  What purpose could a cat like me possibly have living in this kind of situation?  If only it felt like there was some deeper purpose to my existence.


But then I remember that there is…


To look dashingly handsome.  Meow baby.


Episode 13 – Personal Space

I find myself unable to attain privacy today.  Despite my stubborn nature, I have had to compromise in order to not give up my favourite napping spot on the couch.  I have very carefully cultivated this spot over time due to it’s prolonged exposure to the daytime sun.  The human was impervious to my death glares and choose to lay there regardless of my threats.  This has left me with the option of laying atop one of the human’s midsections in order to absorb the sun’s rays.  Although it prevents me from having this particular space on the couch to myself, I allow the compromise because of it’s alternative benefits.  The human’s under-defined midsection provides additional softness and warmth which only adds to my comfort, I still win.

I’m not the only one who finds this spot appealing evidently.  Diesel has been eyeing my movements since this territorial battle has begun.  I choose to ignore his lingering presence as he watched from the coffee table and slowly but surely approached.  No matter, I shall ignore him and finally get to sleep I thought, until…





He seems to not appreciate the extent of the efforts and personal struggle that I’ve had to endure in order to have this space.  Blast him and his boundary-less attitude.  My twitches and attempts to shift my position have been thwarted by his unrelenting and crushing presence.  Crushing, and yet soft.  And warm.  And somehow soothing.


Oh bother, or I could just give in and finally go to sleep.


Episode 14 – One for the Ladies


Hey girls…

I know a lot of you are out there looking for a tall, dark and handsome.  Don’t be a slave to the cliché.  Why not try snuggly, grey-white and gorgeous?  If you’re into long naps on the couch, under the table, or just about anywhere really, I’ve got you covered.  Do you like staring out the window, attacking slippers or laying in sunbeams?  Me too.

I could easily spend the day purring you sweet nothings during a communal bath and cuddle session.  My hobbies include:  playing with toy mice, carrying a plastic ball around in my mouth, singing loudly, running out the front door, running to the back door, running to the laundry room door, having conversations with humans, requesting to be picked up and carried, opening closets and coughing up hairballs.

I bet you’ve been lonely for far too long.  I know I have.  So why don’t we spend some time together? Your human’s place or mine?

Diesel XOXO



Episode 15 – An Energetic Imposter

I’m not sure what’s with Diesel today.  The energy in the house has been strange and I’ve been unsettled since the humans woke this morning.  Their actions haven’t been anything out of the ordinary from their usual mundane and simple routines, they filed out the door this morning as always.  They’re not the source.  I’ve felt tense, have had fur that won’t be tamed, itches and tickles that I swear were caused by someone touching me.  And yet anytime that I turned around, even as fast as I could, I saw no one or nothing to cause it.  Strange and uncomfortable.

Diesel has been nothing but odd.  That doesn’t sound too unordinary for him at first, because Diesel to me is always odd.  I’m not entirely sure he and I are of the same breed or species most days.  But he has been an energized type of odd today.  His movements have been quickened and at times sudden and even erratic.  He doesn’t typically move very fast for anything, usually carrying himself at a sauntering pace and speaking at the same sort of tempo.  I’m not sure what is going on that has caused him to be filled with such liveliness today.

I can feel some kind of general disturbance in the air, but it hasn’t been effecting me in quite the same way.  Unlike Diesel’s frenetic bursts of movement, I have only had a surge in my paranoia and racing thoughts.  Hmmm.  No, that’s preposterous.  Thoughts go flying around in my head at a pace that is almost too fast to process them.  But perhaps not… ridiculous.  The fur on my back twitches and I attend to it as quickly as I’m able.  There is a possibility.  I struggle to follow my thoughts between licks of my fur.  But how could I be sure?  If only this fur would settle so I could concentrate.  What if he’s an imposter?  Maybe the energy surge I’ve been feeling is really just my hyper sense of alertness.  I’m probably picking up on very subtle cues in the atmosphere and for some reason have let myself be distracted which has delayed their translation.

But how did I miss the switch if he is an imposter?  Who is responsible?  Who would be capable of such a feat without me knowing until now?  All of these thoughts cause me to worry and before I realize it my paws begin to sweat.  Yuck, now I can’t stand here anymore.  I have to lay down and figure this out.  I have to understand what the purpose of replacing Diesel with an imposter would be.

I make my way over to the couch and tend to my paws.  I proceed to bathe fully which allows myself a chance to think.  First I need to confirm if Diesel is in fact an imposter.  I’ll need to come up with some sort of test.  If he proves to be inauthentic I’ll need to find some way to restrain him for questioning.  I’ll need to get to the bottom of this.  I’ll have to find out if I’m in danger.  I see no other purpose of placing an imposter in here other than to get to me of course.  I suppose I’ll also have to protect the humans.  They’re far too simple to be aware of anything like this, and far too incompetent to be able to handle a resolution.  If they only knew what lengths I go to for them on any given day!

All of the bathing has caused me to feel drowsy and I fall asleep against my will.  Sometime later I am startled awake by the sound of the humans entering the house.  I quickly make my way down the stairs and immediately begin to try and warn them before shutting myself up.  I can’t tell them, that’s right, I can’t let Diesel know I’m onto him, or whoever he is.  I proceed to act casual and walk back up the stairs and into the kitchen where I can keep a better eye on everyone.

I let everyone eat their supper and go through their usual routine.  I keep my distance and observe, trying to see if I can notice anything to confirm my suspicions about Diesel.  After eating, the humans proceed to the couch for their customary evening session of laying down and chatter.  ‘He who might not be Diesel’ follows, and then so do I.  I tail him closely, but not too close.  I keep enough distance so that if needed I would be able to react and either attack or defend myself.

He settles himself on the squishier of the two humans and so I follow.  I allow him the prime human-top location for napping in order to continue my observations.  So far he has done nothing else unusual since waking from my nap.  The humans would suspect nothing, poor humans, so unaware of the dangers that surround them.  Luckily for them I’m here to keep a watchful eye.  And I will continue to do so patiently until I have enough proof to make my determination about this potential imposter…



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